Lets start from the beginning - The school years

When I was five or six years old, my mother would say to her friends, "Doesn't he have pretty eye lashes and hair? He should have been a girl." I'd always think to myself, "Yea, I wish I *was* a girl." That's my earliest memory of being transgendered.

During my grade school years I only remember one thing that suggests I was thinking I was the wrong gender. The "Girls are made from sugar and spice and everything nice..." rhyme. I always pictured myself being made of sugar and spice. But for some reason I was a boy. My gender identity was dominated by the girls vs. boys cold war. Like two different races. Two different types of humans. I think if someone had said, "Take this blue pill to continue being a boy or take this pink pill to become a girl" I would have taken the blue pill. 'cause boys rule and girls drool. Besides everyone knows girls have cooties.

I had learned that my gender role was male. Back then there was no such thing as a transsexual. Transsexual has the word sex in it so it didn't exist outside of academia. While I wished that I was a girl there was nothing I could do about it. There were girls and there were boys. There wasn't a restroom for a third gender. Society had done its job. I was a boy and there was nothing I could do about it.

In junior high school I started noticing what the girls were wearing. Sure, I was thinking the girls looked sexy but I also wanted to wear the outfits. I had a mental picture of me being female and wearing female clothes. I wished that I could wear female things. I should be able to wear the same things. I've come to understand that in my mind I was a girl so I should be wearing what girls wore. Back then cross-dressing just confused me so I told myself I was male there is nothing I could or should do about it. This is when I started getting angry and jealous at the girls for just being girls. It pissed me off that they could wear pretty things and I couldn't.

High school was a lot like JR high except that I thought about sex more. I tried on a few of my mothers clothes but it didn't look right. Clothing didn't make me female. All cross-dressing did was emphasize the fact that I was male and that there was probably something wrong with me. I didn't want to be a freak so I made the subconscious decision to be "normal". No cross-dressing and no more thoughts of being female. Normal people don't think like that.

I loved reading books in high school. They were a great way to escape the real world. In one science fiction book there was an alien race that had an interesting life cycle. They started out as non-fertile males became fertile males then switched to fertile females and ended as non-fertile females. Man! I wished I was a member of that race. I would be totally normal. ...and on schedule.

Transgendered'wise nothing much changed in College. I was now angry at women for being women instead of being angry at girls for being girls. Several posts worth of incidents and experiences occurred while attending college but nothing new relating to my feelings about being female.

So what have we learned in the skool years?

1. I discovered I was transgendered at an early age.
2. I had no clue that I was transgendered or even that such a thing existed.
3. I think I took the blue pill :p
4. Society forces you into a gender role. Having been born with a penis I was forced to be a male.
5. Cross-dressing confused me. I didn't understand why I would want to cross-dress. The answer is that my female mind said I should be wearing female clothes.
6. I was jealous of women simply for being women.
7. Cross-dressing didn't make me female. Instead it emphasized that I was male.
8. I had to hide the fact that I wasn't "normal".