Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Its dawn and its going to be a beautiful sunny day
I'm off Welbutrin, Effexor and Sudafed PE. I feel like its been raining for years and the rain is gone. The gloom is gone. Its dawn and its going to be a beautiful sunny day. I can't ever remember feeling this good. I also started walking and hiking. I think that also has something to do with it. I have tons of energy.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Lets start from the beginning - The school years
When I was five or six years old, my mother would say to her friends, "Doesn't he have pretty eye lashes and hair? He should have been a girl." I'd always think to myself, "Yea, I wish I *was* a girl." That's my earliest memory of being transgendered.
During my grade school years I only remember one thing that suggests I was thinking I was the wrong gender. The "Girls are made from sugar and spice and everything nice..." rhyme. I always pictured myself being made of sugar and spice. But for some reason I was a boy. My gender identity was dominated by the girls vs. boys cold war. Like two different races. Two different types of humans. I think if someone had said, "Take this blue pill to continue being a boy or take this pink pill to become a girl" I would have taken the blue pill. 'cause boys rule and girls drool. Besides everyone knows girls have cooties.
I had learned that my gender role was male. Back then there was no such thing as a transsexual. Transsexual has the word sex in it so it didn't exist outside of academia. While I wished that I was a girl there was nothing I could do about it. There were girls and there were boys. There wasn't a restroom for a third gender. Society had done its job. I was a boy and there was nothing I could do about it.
In junior high school I started noticing what the girls were wearing. Sure, I was thinking the girls looked sexy but I also wanted to wear the outfits. I had a mental picture of me being female and wearing female clothes. I wished that I could wear female things. I should be able to wear the same things. I've come to understand that in my mind I was a girl so I should be wearing what girls wore. Back then cross-dressing just confused me so I told myself I was male there is nothing I could or should do about it. This is when I started getting angry and jealous at the girls for just being girls. It pissed me off that they could wear pretty things and I couldn't.
High school was a lot like JR high except that I thought about sex more. I tried on a few of my mothers clothes but it didn't look right. Clothing didn't make me female. All cross-dressing did was emphasize the fact that I was male and that there was probably something wrong with me. I didn't want to be a freak so I made the subconscious decision to be "normal". No cross-dressing and no more thoughts of being female. Normal people don't think like that.
I loved reading books in high school. They were a great way to escape the real world. In one science fiction book there was an alien race that had an interesting life cycle. They started out as non-fertile males became fertile males then switched to fertile females and ended as non-fertile females. Man! I wished I was a member of that race. I would be totally normal. ...and on schedule.
Transgendered'wise nothing much changed in College. I was now angry at women for being women instead of being angry at girls for being girls. Several posts worth of incidents and experiences occurred while attending college but nothing new relating to my feelings about being female.
So what have we learned in the skool years?
During my grade school years I only remember one thing that suggests I was thinking I was the wrong gender. The "Girls are made from sugar and spice and everything nice..." rhyme. I always pictured myself being made of sugar and spice. But for some reason I was a boy. My gender identity was dominated by the girls vs. boys cold war. Like two different races. Two different types of humans. I think if someone had said, "Take this blue pill to continue being a boy or take this pink pill to become a girl" I would have taken the blue pill. 'cause boys rule and girls drool. Besides everyone knows girls have cooties.
I had learned that my gender role was male. Back then there was no such thing as a transsexual. Transsexual has the word sex in it so it didn't exist outside of academia. While I wished that I was a girl there was nothing I could do about it. There were girls and there were boys. There wasn't a restroom for a third gender. Society had done its job. I was a boy and there was nothing I could do about it.
In junior high school I started noticing what the girls were wearing. Sure, I was thinking the girls looked sexy but I also wanted to wear the outfits. I had a mental picture of me being female and wearing female clothes. I wished that I could wear female things. I should be able to wear the same things. I've come to understand that in my mind I was a girl so I should be wearing what girls wore. Back then cross-dressing just confused me so I told myself I was male there is nothing I could or should do about it. This is when I started getting angry and jealous at the girls for just being girls. It pissed me off that they could wear pretty things and I couldn't.
High school was a lot like JR high except that I thought about sex more. I tried on a few of my mothers clothes but it didn't look right. Clothing didn't make me female. All cross-dressing did was emphasize the fact that I was male and that there was probably something wrong with me. I didn't want to be a freak so I made the subconscious decision to be "normal". No cross-dressing and no more thoughts of being female. Normal people don't think like that.
I loved reading books in high school. They were a great way to escape the real world. In one science fiction book there was an alien race that had an interesting life cycle. They started out as non-fertile males became fertile males then switched to fertile females and ended as non-fertile females. Man! I wished I was a member of that race. I would be totally normal. ...and on schedule.
Transgendered'wise nothing much changed in College. I was now angry at women for being women instead of being angry at girls for being girls. Several posts worth of incidents and experiences occurred while attending college but nothing new relating to my feelings about being female.
So what have we learned in the skool years?
- I discovered I was transgendered at an early age.
- I had no clue that I was transgendered or even that such a thing existed.
- I think I took the blue pill :p
- Society forces you into a gender role. Having been born with a penis I was forced to be a male.
- Cross-dressing confused me. I didn't understand why I would want to cross-dress. The answer is that my female mind said I should be wearing female clothes.
- I was jealous of women simply for being women.
- Cross-dressing didn't make me female. Instead it emphasized that I was male.
- I had to hide the fact that I wasn't "normal".
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Faith of the Heart: Star Trek: Enterprise (Theme Song)
Also my theme song. Why? Not because I cry every time I hear it. Lots of things make me cry. More like, Holy Sh**! I came all this way on my own! No one to help but my dogs. I must have faith of the heart. Last I remember humming was "The Long And Winding Road".
AS HEARD ON SHOW
It’s been a long road - getting from there to here.
It’s been a long time, but my time is finally near
And I will see my dream come alive at last. I will touch the sky.
And they’re not gonna hold me down no more
No, they’re not gonna change my mind
Cause I got faith of the heart
I’m going where my heart will take me
I got faith to believe I can do anything.
I got strength of the soul and no one’s gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star. I got faith. Faith of the heart.
COMPLETE LYRICS
"The magic of believing is this: if we really believe in ourselves, our heart will take us to the highest plateau of personal success. Nothing will stop us as long as we have faith in our hearts."
It’s been a long road - Getting from there to here.
It’s been a long time, but my time is finally near.
And I can feel the change in the wind right now
Nothing’s in my way
And they’re not gonna hold me down no more
No, they’re not gonna hold me now
Chorus:
Cause I got faith of the heart
I’m going where my heart will take me
I got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I got strength of the soul
And no one’s gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star. I got faith. Faith of the heart
Enterprise
Faith Of the Heart written by Diane Warren, sung by British opera star Russell Watson
This song was first featured in the film Patch Adams (performed by Rod Stewart Original Air Dates: 2001 - present (UPN)
Sunday, April 8, 2007
First female orgasm
W00T! I had my first female orgasm last night. I couldn't sleep and it was like 3 AM. I wasn't horny at all. I'm on about 1/2 the estrogen I should be because I don't want to get horny while healing. Anyway, I thought maybe taking a "natural sleeping pill" would put me to sleep. I was very very surprised that with very little effort I was able to have an orgasm. It didn't put me to sleep but I'm almost excited that I can cum. OK. I'm a little excited. :)
Happy light
Two weeks before I went to see Jerry for the final time I got my SAD, Seasonal Affected Disorder, light. OMG! What a difference. I have tons more energy after using it for only one week. I used to lay on the sofa and sleep almost all day. Now I can only lay down for about 1/2 hr. before having to get up & do something.
Its a BlueMax 70W desk lamp from www.fullspectrumsolutions.com. It cost me $160 and is worth every penny. Of course, my medical plan wouldn't pay for it. That's just bullshit. $160 is an insignificant sum compared to the work AT&T will get out of me with all this energy I have. AT&T sux but that's a different post.
I'm not sure if it improves my mood or not. I'll have to wait a few months until Welbutrin & Effexor withdrawal is done. Maybe I won't be sure until next winter. But It sure gave me energy. The fact that I created this blog is proof.
Commence depression, deep spiraling depression.
My meds, Welbutrin 300 mg & Effexor 150 mg, ran out three(?) weeks ago. My employer switched to a new prescription plan with Caremark. The old plan with Medco warns you when you are getting low but I didn't get anything from Caremark.
In a rush, I went to my shrink for new prescriptions. I also forgot, that on the new plan I have to pay full price for him now. I had him write the two prescriptions for three months worth of meds. I sent the prescriptions to the Caremark and even payed $18 for next day delivery. While checking for a delivery date I discovered Caremark charged me $400. There is no way I can afford that. Medco didn't cost me $400 for two years of the same meds. Commence depression, deep spiraling depression.
I didn't get the meds for about a week after I ordered them. Next day delivery, my ass. When they finally came I discovered they substituted the Welbutrin for generic. Generic Welbutrin doesn't work. I tried it years ago. They are like sugar pills. I threw the pills across the room then wadded the paper work up and threw that too. I then wrote a barely comprehensible flame to Caremark. The meds and Caremark are totally worthless to me. I can't afford $400 every three months plus my psychologists fee. I'm not going to take the batch I just got and go through withdrawal again after I finish them.
Withdrawal started with just dizziness. Then came hot flashes, sleeplessness, nightmares, and mood swings. I have more energy because of the SAD light I got a week earlier but I don't feel like doing anything.
I can't see my psychiatrist anymore or afford any meds of any kind. If I get sick and need meds I plan to die rather than pay Caremark. I may as well die now.
In a rush, I went to my shrink for new prescriptions. I also forgot, that on the new plan I have to pay full price for him now. I had him write the two prescriptions for three months worth of meds. I sent the prescriptions to the Caremark and even payed $18 for next day delivery. While checking for a delivery date I discovered Caremark charged me $400. There is no way I can afford that. Medco didn't cost me $400 for two years of the same meds. Commence depression, deep spiraling depression.
I didn't get the meds for about a week after I ordered them. Next day delivery, my ass. When they finally came I discovered they substituted the Welbutrin for generic. Generic Welbutrin doesn't work. I tried it years ago. They are like sugar pills. I threw the pills across the room then wadded the paper work up and threw that too. I then wrote a barely comprehensible flame to Caremark. The meds and Caremark are totally worthless to me. I can't afford $400 every three months plus my psychologists fee. I'm not going to take the batch I just got and go through withdrawal again after I finish them.
Withdrawal started with just dizziness. Then came hot flashes, sleeplessness, nightmares, and mood swings. I have more energy because of the SAD light I got a week earlier but I don't feel like doing anything.
I can't see my psychiatrist anymore or afford any meds of any kind. If I get sick and need meds I plan to die rather than pay Caremark. I may as well die now.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Suicide note
This blog could also have been called "Suicide Note" instead of "Transgendered Journey". Tonight I was contemplating again what I would put on my note. A simple FTW was a winner but I thought something longer might be appropriate. Besides, I feel a need to lay it all out. If only to the investigating officer. I think I'll go with:
FTW != For The Win
FTW
FTW != For The Win
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