Its dawn and its going to be a beautiful sunny day

I'm off Welbutrin, Effexor and Sudafed PE. I feel like its been raining for years and the rain is gone. The gloom is gone. Its dawn and its going to be a beautiful sunny day. I can't ever remember feeling this good. I also started walking and hiking. I think that also has something to do with it. I have tons of energy.

Happy light

Two weeks before I went to see Jerry for the final time I got my SAD, Seasonal Affected Disorder, light. OMG! What a difference. I have tons more energy after using it for only one week. I used to lay on the sofa and sleep almost all day. Now I can only lay down for about 1/2 hr. before having to get up & do something.

Its a BlueMax 70W desk lamp from www.fullspectrumsolutions.com. It cost me $160 and is worth every penny. Of course, my medical plan wouldn't pay for it. That's just bullshit. $160 is an insignificant sum compared to the work AT&T will get out of me with all this energy I have. AT&T sux but that's a different post.

I'm not sure if it improves my mood or not. I'll have to wait a few months until Welbutrin & Effexor withdrawal is done. Maybe I won't be sure until next winter. But It sure gave me energy. The fact that I created this blog is proof.

Commence depression, deep spiraling depression.

My meds, Welbutrin 300 mg & Effexor 150 mg, ran out three(?) weeks ago. My employer switched to a new prescription plan with Caremark. The old plan with Medco warns you when you are getting low but I didn't get anything from Caremark.

In a rush, I went to my shrink for new prescriptions. I also forgot, that on the new plan I have to pay full price for him now. I had him write the two prescriptions for three months worth of meds. I sent the prescriptions to the Caremark and even payed $18 for next day delivery. While checking for a delivery date I discovered Caremark charged me $400. There is no way I can afford that. Medco didn't cost me $400 for two years of the same meds. Commence depression, deep spiraling depression.

I didn't get the meds for about a week after I ordered them. Next day delivery, my ass. When they finally came I discovered they substituted the Welbutrin for generic. Generic Welbutrin doesn't work. I tried it years ago. They are like sugar pills. I threw the pills across the room then wadded the paper work up and threw that too. I then wrote a barely comprehensible flame to Caremark. The meds and Caremark are totally worthless to me. I can't afford $400 every three months plus my psychologists fee. I'm not going to take the batch I just got and go through withdrawal again after I finish them.

Withdrawal started with just dizziness. Then came hot flashes, sleeplessness, nightmares, and mood swings. I have more energy because of the SAD light I got a week earlier but I don't feel like doing anything.

I can't see my psychiatrist anymore or afford any meds of any kind. If I get sick and need meds I plan to die rather than pay Caremark. I may as well die now.

Suicide note

This blog could also have been called "Suicide Note" instead of "Transgendered Journey". Tonight I was contemplating again what I would put on my note. A simple FTW was a winner but I thought something longer might be appropriate. Besides, I feel a need to lay it all out. If only to the investigating officer. I think I'll go with:

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FTW

http://transgenderedjourney.blogspot.com

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FTW != For The Win